What To Do Immediately After Loss
I am so sorry for your loss. The next few days, weeks and months will be a blur of emotions - anger, sadness, fear - and the next steps will feel overwhelming. The grief that emerges as you process the loss of your child is often misunderstood. Grief is not a brief moment of time. Rather, it is a lifelong experience. In fact, grief never goes away as we just learn to live our lives around it. There will be ebbs and flows as you miss your child and there is no wrong way to manage your path to healing. Please do not feel the need to rush the process for yourself or your loved ones.
Here is some guidance on what to do as you face your child’s death. If you desire one-on-one support as you navigate this vulnerable space, please email me at hello@ailabirthvillage.com.
Autopsy
In Massachusetts, almost all pregnancy losses will result in an autopsy. During this challenging time, autopsies help you and your care provider understand if there was a medical reason for your child’s death. The autopsy will be performed respectfully and with care. There may a few people involved in this process including a medical examiner, pathologist, and coroner. Autopsy results are not always provided immediately - in some cases it can take several months to a year to receive the results. Depending on the nature of your child’s death, there may be investigations performed by the local and/or state police department and the Department of Children and Families Services.
In order to receive the results of the autopsy and the death certificate, please note that you must submit a written request to the town or city where the death occurred. Learn more here. If you wish to contact the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner, please call 617-267-6767.
Honoring Your baby
How you choose to honor your child is completely up to you. You can choose to do it soon after your child’s death or at a future point. You can opt to honor your child in many ways including but not limited to a religious service, non-religious ceremony, or in a blessing ceremony. You may find that it is best to work with a funeral home so you can receive professional support or you may wish to work with your church. You can even decide to have a funeral in your home or at another location, like a small hall.
If you decide to postpone a funeral service, that is okay, too. You can always hold one in the future. During the service, you can opt to speak as parents of your beautiful child or invite your loved ones to express thoughts in a meaningful tribute.
Please know that you can honor your child for many years and that your commemoration is not limited to one ceremony. Some families honor a child with mementos, like a tattoo, baby blanket or jewelry. Some families create websites celebrating their baby’s lives. Some families honor a child by donating to charities in their child’s name. Some light a candle in their baby’s honor in their home.
Your baby is loved. Your baby matters. Any way you choose to honor them will be beautiful.
Nursery Items and Baby Gifts
One of the most difficult parts of pregnancy loss is figuring out what to do with baby items you’ve purchased or have been gifted. What you do with them and when you do it is completely up to you. Please do not feel like you must rush through the process. What to do with your baby’s things and when to do it is a personal decision that should only be made by you and/or your partner. Trust your instincts to guide these next steps. If your family tries to rush the process in an attempt to help you heal sooner, you can decline their offer.
Here are some ideas:
Ask a trusted loved one to clear it out. Ask the loved one to store the items, away from your home, but in a safe space. You might consider a storage unit or a friend’s spare bedroom.
Leave the baby items as they are. If you set aside the items in a potential baby nursery, it might be helpful to leave the items just where they are in the weeks and months after the loss. After a bit, consider what it would mean to remove the items. Is it scary? Overwhelming? Take the time to process how you’re feeling with support. If you want to potentially keep the items in the event that you decide to have another baby, that’s okay, too.
Donate the items to a charity or a family in need. If you know you do not want the items in your home and don’t wish to see them again, consider donating the items to a charity or family in need. Ask a friend to transport the items on your behalf.
Sell it. If you’re finding that you wish to sell your items, consider bringing them to a secondhand store or selling them online.
Your Loves Ones
While I encourage you to focus on your grief and healing, it is quite common for family members to feel helpless during this time and have a genuine desire to help you. If your loved ones would like to help with the service or in any other way, think about how you would want to incorporate them during this time. If you would prefer not to incorporate them directly in the services or your healing, extending an invitation to them to write a few words you can share during a ceremony or service may help guide healing. Remember, this should happen on your terms and with your comfort level as a priority.
Funeral homes
There are many funeral homes in Massachusetts that can help you plan a service. Should you desire support in this regard, I am happy to help.
Murphy Funeral Home of Dorchester
Brady Fallon Funeral Home of Jamaica Plain
Carr Funeral Home of Charlestown
Stanetsky Memorial Chapel of Brookline
Robert J. Lawler and Crosby Funeral Home of West Roxbury
Some funeral homes will offer free support for your ceremony or memorial service. Contact the Commonwealth of Massachusetts by completing this this form to receive these services.